not talking to you breaks my heart. really.
i can feel the pain. literally.
knowing that you're just a buzz away makes me want to cry.
because i cant talk to you. i SHOULD not talk to you.
i must not. i need to not talk to you.
i hope blogging instead of buzzing you help me.
because if i do talk to you right now, everything that i worked,
every pain that i indulged, poof! gone!

I'm hurting. the pain inside me seems unbearable.
because i miss you.
so much.
you have no idea how much, i may not be able to describe you perfectly how much i do,
but one thing i can tell you is
i miss you more than i have ever missed anyone in my life.

iloveyou.

When I read all the things written in here, I was totally surprised to see that almost everything in here is about you.

What I feel for you.

And I figured it isn’t right. It’s not right to love someone this much when it is clear from the very start that there's no possibility for us.

So I’m gonna stop now.

And this time I hope it’s for real.

For my sake I hope to mean it.

because I’m afraid that if I don’t stop now I’m gonna lose myself.

The entire me would be all about you.

If I continue loving you this much, the little love that I still have for myself will soon be vanished.

So goodbye now my love.

You will always be in my heart, but will be kept in the deepest and the most secret part that even I won’t be able to notice .

Please understand that I need to do it.

For my sake.

For your sake.




for the last time, I Love You. deeply.

I never thought that today would end up totally not fine.

I don’t know why it was suddenly ruined.

Today was your day and I know you were totally happy,

But a thought of you really happy without me anything to do with it just made me sad.

I’m selfish I know, and I’m sorry.

And I cried so much. 

Again. 

After weeks of pretending tough,

I cried again.

And I prayed. 

I prayed to God to please take away all the love that I have for you.

Because it hurts. 

A lot. 
It burns.

Which is hard because until now I'm not used of this pain.

I didn't pray for you to love me back because 
I do not want to be unfair to you and it just doesn't feel right 
so I prayed to be free from this unrequited love instead.
But a thought of me not loving you anymore hurts as well. 
It’s as if without this feeling,
 there will be a hole inside me. 
But its better I guess, 
having an empty spot inside me is better 
than live with this pain that kills me everyday.

andIloveyoustill.

Pero no sé por qué tengo que llorar, sólo porque usted dijo adiós.

I read this from your twitter. and suddenly i got jealous of her. 

Of how she affects you so much. 

Of how she's able to hurt you and make you vulnerable.

It’s not that I’m happy that you are hurting. 

In fact it saddens me to learn that while all I want is for you to be happy, you are not, 

because she thinks that you are not good enough for her.

Which I think is not fair. 

Everything is not fair. 

How could she not see how wonderful a person you are?

How could she dump the person that I love so much? 

And how dare you love her when she doesn’t

even love you an inch of what I feel for you? 

Yes, you may be hurting too, but not as I much as I do.

I don't know how to describe what I feel for you.

And it scares me... 

Because I know you are far better than I will ever be. I will never be good enough for you.

your beauty shines within the darkest of places, while I have hardly any beauty to posses. There’s nothing good about me, compare to you.

You give the word perfection a completely different meaning, and since I am so far behind you, i'm afraid you won't even consider me being your friend...

but oh, can't you see how beautiful it could be? You and me? We’re so much alike, but on such different levels. We would get along so well, as we already do. I know I wasn't blessed with nearly half of the talents that you possess, but with God’s help I will continue to develop. I know I wasn't blessed with any beauty, inner or outer, and I certainly wasn't blessed with a perfect mind and body. But I was blessed with a heart that has the capacity to love you.

so maybe by some, small, amazing, beautiful miracle...
you'll feel the same, some day. 

I know you could careless, but I love you. 
I love you more than you will ever know.


imissyou.

where are you?
what are you doing?
are you ok?
have you been sick?
i miss you.
i havent talk to you for a week.
you're all i think about.
arrgghhh.
I MISS YOU. BADLY.


ilove you.

I dont want to feel better, i just want to feel a little less worse.
i dont want to admit it but i feel so miserable now.
and i feel really bad about having no home to go to.


i dont know now what im most scared of.
everyting doesnt feel right, making me want to be locked away from everything.

I'm not trying to succeed, I'm just struggling to survive.

I don't want to feel complete, I just want to be a little less empty.

I’m sorry if I have to bore you with my nonsense questions. Sorry if you have to put up with our ridiculous conversation. You’re the only one I know I can talk to with anything. Or maybe you’re the only one I’m interested talking to. Sorry. I just feel so alone lately. So I have to talk to you today because after this I know I’ll be feeling better.

Because of that news, I cried so much last night. so much that it makes my eyes so sore and makes my breathing abnormal and unstable. I hate you! No. you know I can’t hate you for long. So I’m  gonna write I hate me instead. It’s my fault that I am still hurting at the moment. I could've gotten over you a long time ago but I didn't do it. I was too stupid to think that there'll come a day you'll learn to like me. And now I’m in agony and struggling everyday to live.

If I could beg you not to go with her, I would. That’s how pathetic I am. I love you that much, that even if I have to choose between hurting myself everyday or live a normal life without you, I would choose the first one. Argh I totally suck!

I miss talking to you everyday. What happened between us? Did I stop talking or did you? As each day kept passing by, did I ever cross your mind? Looking back now, I've realised how long it's been. 
I wonder why we stopped talking. 
Did we run out of things to say to each other? I just miss you.

There are moments where I just sit down and read our old chat messages, and I’m not reading it for no reason. I’m reading it because I miss you. I miss how we were before. I miss how we talked before, when “hi” was a “Hi” But nowadays, I don’t even get a hi. We don’t even talk like we used too. Obviously we’re drifting apart, and we’re not even nearly as friends. We’re more like strangers that never even talked. The sad part is, I still can’t believe how we ended this way. I’m trying my best to forget you, but the more I try, the more I fail to do what’s best for me. It’s just too much. :(

Sometimes I realize that you weren’t that great. But despite all the things you’ve done, I can’t really deny that I loved you and pretending that I don’t care and you don’t exist is just too hard. I’m not a good actress you know.

When you loved the one who was hurting you, it left you no options. You can’t fight back, you can’t turn away, because even if it hurt so much the fact that the person you loved the most is the reason of it you’ll take the hit. If your heart was all you had to give, how could you not give it? Even if it means watching that beloved one breaks your heart piece by piece.

THERE ISN’T A DAY THAT GOES BY WHERE I DON’T AT SOME POINT THINK OF YOU.

When someone you love break your heart it’s the hardest thing you could ever go through and no matter how much time has passed it never really goes away.

There’ll come a time when you think you’re getting better, but then you get a flashback, or hear a song that reminds you of a memory, and it hits you all over again. All at once, like a stab in the chest, you fall apart for the hundredth time.

And then you’re terrified. Terrified of getting hurt again. But it’s not like it matters anyway. At the end of the day you’re still thinking about the person who broke your heart. You don’t want to miss them anymore. You don’t want to love them anymore. But you know you always will.

You broke my heart.

Do you know how many times I told myself that I need to be stronger? I’ve been putting smile on my face though deep within me all I wanna do is breakdown and cry.

I keep on telling myself that I’m fine though deep inside me, I know I am not.

If you only knew how I wanted to be with you all this time.

If you only knew how hard it is for me to get over you.

If you only knew how many times I’d cried. If you only knew how I stalk your profile just to check if you found somebody new.

It breaks my heart a little bit more each day.

Do you know that I always listen to music that could hopefully heal my heart and to make me stronger?

I pretend to be fine when I’m not.

Do you have any idea how you made me feel all this pain and hurt?

Each and every day of my life carrying these feelings makes me feel sad.

If you only knew what I’ve been thinking, what I am feeling everytime I remember you, you’d cry… you’d cry more than I do. Because it will be impossible for you not to feel it too. because the pain is so intense. It burns. It cuts to the core.

And to think that I have to deal with this pain everyday. That I have to pretend that I don’t have it inside me when in reality it crawls within me, making me want to cry and scream and to beg for you to please ease my pain.

yes, I have this pain everyday.

I miss blogging.

ive been too busy messing with my life.
i feel sorry for not being able to write all about it and now that im here, the feeling is so overwhelming that i dont know how to start everything.

argh.

If there was a way to escape this pain, i'd definitely take it. 'cause it's killing me.
But what's killing me more is how I'm addicted to this pain. I'm willing to take more of it just so I can continue wanting you.. Even if its one-way kind of wanting.
The "me-wanting-you-but-you-dont" kind of wanting.

it sucks i know.

i hate that im a collection of paradoxes.

Im a pain junkie.

I'm like a junkie with a limited supply, waiting for the day of reckoning to come to me. The more hits I took now, the harder it would be when my supply ran out.

It hurts knowing I will never be as important to you as you are to me.

Sapiosexual

Sapiosexual is a recently constructed word (neologism) that has come into common usage, particularly on social networking sites where people are self-identifying as sapiosexual. It is a concatenation of the latin root sapio- from sapiens meaning wise or intelligent (itself derived from sapere which means to taste, or rather, to discern) and the latin root -sexualis as it pertains to sexual preferences.

—- ok, now i have to ask, am i a Sapiosexual?

I will never be as thin as I want. I will never look exactly as I want. You will never love me as much as I love you. My skin will never be clear, tan & glowing. My eyelashes will never be dark & curly. My freckles will never go away. The scars I have, they’re here for good. My personality won’t change no matter how hard I try to change it. I will never be the type of girl to get dressed up and perfect as I want. Converse & sweats sound more appealing. I will never have good self esteem & I will always be insecure. I know I may not be perfect, but one thing is for sure … & that is that I would love you and be real to you. I would treat you just how you want to be treated. As imperfect as I may be, ill try to be the perfect me for you.

No one else could ever mean half as much to me as you do now.

It's sad when you actually thought you've gotten over someone, and you're doing really fine with your life, but then that someone comes back and you feel that pain over and over again. Only, much painful.

And yes, it's sadder when instead of walking away so you wont have to struggle again, you'll just ignore the sane part of you that tells what's the right thing to do and draw yourself closer to that person making yourself once more vulnerable to the point that no matter how much pain that person inflicts you, you just cant let go.